This journey I’ve been on? I haven’t been doing a very good job of documenting it.
I haven’t told you everything that’s been going on.
There’s just so many different facets of my life that I want to tell you about. But I’m so scatterbrained that I can never put all these aspects into one coherent post.
So, here’s my better attempt…
First of all, my husband and I are good. We’ve been together for 12 years almost (I’ve never really written about our relationship. But it’s good and strong. We’re both as stubborn as asses to leave). And we’re preparing for our next PCS (Permanent Change of Station). I’ll write a post about that later.
Then there’s the gentle parenting aspect. I really just do not know how this is going right now. I mean I started out great with good intentions. But ya know what they say. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” So yeah. I started off with buying and reading lots of parenting books. But that slowed to a crawl. Then I found one parenting book called Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids that did not jive with me at all. It blamed everything on the parent not being peaceful. “Let your kid lead the way with your parenting! Kid’s a terror on the playground? It’s your fault because you’re not peaceful inside! Oh, you’re angry and yelling? You get a sticker chart!” Seriously. That is what it said. I finished out the first chapter and DNF it. Now I’m scared to pick up another parenting book unless it’s by Dr. Dan Siegel. His books have scientific backing. I can get behind that. But now? Now I’m just slagging on learning more.
Also, I supposedly took away electronics from the children for one month and television for two weeks just for being naughty rule-breaking little shits who don’t clean up after themselves (see previous post HERE)…and that’s gone down the fucking tube. I found the Tobias and Aurora playing with their GameBoys just a couple of days after the edict. And Gaia I caught playing with their phone like a week after (she must have found it where I hid it…not good). I didn’t do anything to correct them. I was done entertaining them. We’ve gone through 4 kits at the library and 1 kit at the library. So, I’m just at my wits’ end. Like just permanently. I’m just constantly and always will be at my wits’ end until my kids, or I, are dead. I’m pretty sure that’s just how this motherhood thing works by now. And if anyone tries to tell you any different, I’m pretty damned sure they’re lying to your face and shouldn’t be trusted.
So, I will just accept my lot in life and move on with it. I’ll make do with what I have and try to do my best with what is dealt me.
Perhaps this is my dukkha (suffering)? See, I started out studying mindfulness to help with my anger issues (post is HERE) but mindfulness is originally a Buddhist practice. So, being my curious self, I *had* to start studying Buddhism as well. I mean you can’t just not! So I’ve been going through a clicksepedition on Wikipedia and even joined a group on Facebook where I met a lovely fellow who is sending me free books on the subject! Free books!
Anyway, I sort of let go of studying the subject. But it’s kept coming back to me. For example, I killed a spider in my house the other day and the first thing I thought was “Bad Buddhist!” (One of the core precepts of Buddhism is No Killing. Period. Of any sentient being.). Why would I do this if I don’t classify myself as Buddhist?!
I stopped studying the subject because I just couldn’t come to terms with some of the beliefs. Dukkha being one of them. Dukkha is commonly translated as suffering. But it’s every type of suffering. It’s a broken heart, it’s those 10 loads of laundry you still need to put away, it’s going crazy over that missing sock, it’s a terrorist blowing up a building, your own government tearing families apart, or stubbing your pinky toe on your end table. It’s all of these things. But my problem with this concept was that in Buddhism, dukkha is life. Life is dukkha. Whereas, I view life to be a duality. There is suffering and evil but there are also things that are benevolent and virtuous. And the Buddha, well, it’s not like he didn’t say take pleasure in or enjoy these good and happy things.
It’s just that they aren’t going to last. Anicca is the word for impermanence. Basically, that nothing ever lasts. Even that 75 year marriage ends when one of them passes away. That Cajun Navy can’t run forever. Even Mr. Rogers, Steve Irwin, and Bob Ross all had to pass away. Now there’s only one of The Four Horsemen of Wholesomeness left! (LeVar Burton) Things will, and do, invariably end. Even dukkha ends, but as my old band teacher use to tell me, “Perfect practice makes perfect”. Dukkha ends through Enlightenment or Nirvana.
And that’s the other thing, if you don’t reach Nirvana, you get recycled into another life. Samsara or rebirth. I don’t believe in this. Plain and simple. I believe in just death and that’s the end. I am an atheist first after all. So, how do you reconcile a belief such as samsara or rebirth when you don’t believe in it?
Anyway, those are my thoughts on Buddhism that I’ve been studying. All because I’m trying to be more mindful. Oh, speaking of being more mindful…did I ever mention that I became a minimalist? I got the idea because well, quite frankly, I’ve got too much shit and I needed to purge the whole house before the PCS anyways. (This is when CPS decided to show up at my doorstep) Besides, I always chose like the same outfit over and over while ignoring the other 95% of my closet. Now, I have 10 of the exact same outfits and like 3 dresses I wear. I have like 5 other t-shirts but I never wear them. I really should put them away for sentimentally’s sake. I also have 1 LBD and 5 business outfits. That’s all I need! Oh, other than my coat and jacket and sweater. All black.
And speaking of that CPS visit…it is now going up the military and my husband’s chain of command. Lady said she understood but clearly she didn’t. Or she’s just a bitch. So now, my husband’s first shirt and his commanding officer know about this debacle staining our good name and reputation. Isn’t that just fucking lovely?
Well, that about sums it up other then the elephant in the room…money. Nah, I ain’t broke. But I ain’t filthy rich, rollin’ in piles of money either. I’m what I always heard called genteel poor. Which means that I’ve got the means to make the ends meet but that ya don’t have any extra leftover for fun or leisure things. Now my husband and I are in a medium amount of debt. There are people with more and there are people with less.
The problem is that we couldn’t or didn’t make our minimum payments on our credit cards for a while. And they ballooned up. So instead of a standard $100 payment, now we owe $400 for this month. Now, once we can get these payments down, we’ll be golden again. We’ll be snowballing our debt and be done. I already cut up all but three credit cards. And one of them is only temporary. It will only stay open while my husband is active duty. The other is our highest balance card in case of emergencies (heaven forbid, my Gramma dying I need to get back home). And the third is only open because it’s needed by our bank to obtain shit. Seriously. You need one of their credit cards in order to have an auto insurance policy or renter’s insurance, or direct deposit or potentially get a VA home loan. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing?! So, those are the three. And one will be cut up upon my husband’s DD214. Slowly, but surely, we’re digging our way out of debt.
And even though I don’t “work” in the traditional sense of the word, I’m still doing my part. I’m reeling in frivolous spending (which is me. I’m an emotional spender and will get on a buying spree of just junk mostly). But we’re also cutting back on eating out. The kids are having to participate in this although Aurora doesn’t like it. She refuses to try the new recipes I make. And I’ve started “going natural”. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some off-brand spaghetti-o’s and Pop-Tarts. But there is so much you can make around the house using simple household ingredients. You really don’t need all these different types of soap, ya know. Just one in different forms will work. Really. You can use the same soap in your washing machine as you do in your dishwasher as you do for your hands and your face. Just varying amounts and maybe mixed with different things. So I’ve started making these all natural things for use in my house. And I’m trying to build a business off of them to boot! Technically, it’s up and running…but I ain’t got any inventory listed yet. But feel free to take a look around!
Momma’s Natural Living
Well, folks that’s a wrap! Peace out! Let’s all have some TACOS!!!!!