Why Do This Anymore?


I’m not very good at writing.  Plain and simple.  So nobody really reads my blog.

It was supposed to be about my better parenting journey but recently I’ve felt the need to branch out and write about other topics.

And if I cannot find an audience here, then better to have no audience at all.


Sleep Training

It’s not what you think!

Although, I did have to sleep train my oldest daughter because she had her nights and days mixed up.  But that’s not the point here.

The point is: me no sleep good.

I’ve not been sleeping well.  Don’t know why.  No idea what so ever.  I was doing just fine and then WHAM! I started sleeping during the day and staying awake at night.  My shrink thinks it might have something to do to my Bi-Polar I Disorder.  At first, he told me to just stay up during the day no matter how hard it is and go to bed at a reasonable time.  I got like one good week of doing that.  The rest were just the same.  I’d pass out in my chair attempting to do homework on some days.  Other days I said screw it and just went to bed knowing it was futile to stay up.

I told all this to my doctor and he still refused to prescribe any sleep meds.  He just told me to take a higher dosage of Trazodone.  A medicine that no longer works for me.  As in, I took 400mg and it had zero effect; as if I didn’t even take any at all.

Now, I just tough it out.  Everyday.  I try to go to sleep by midnight and wake up by 7 or 8. But there are days where I’ll still be weak and sleep during the day; either naps or just sleep the whole day through waking up occasionally.

Anyway, why am I telling you this and what does it have to do with anything?

Responsibility.  Specifically taking responsibility for  the way your actions (or lack thereof) affect others.

By not sleeping well, or sleeping at odd times, my mothering skills have essentially gone down the crapper.  I’m not keeping an eye on my children like I should be.  And thus they are making messes in the kitchen or leaving the office door open.

So by recognizing my weaknesses I am better able to take responsibility for them.  There was this book I read that said, “There is a time and place for everything and the manner in which you chose to react defines your personality and nature in general.  We react before thinking of the consequences of our reaction.  We must ponder about how we should react and if that reaction is in sync with the kind of life we wish to live.”

I like that.


“Till Next Time…Peace.

Be The Change…pt. 2

So yeah.

After the events of the last post I wrote, I decided it was time for some major changes….yet again.  How many times have I done this?  Only to no avail?  What am I trying to achieve with these “major changes”?  “Perfect” children?  Or just children that behave better than they do now?  Does anything ever really come of these “major changes”?  If not, then why institute them?  Also, how long do they really last? A month, maybe?  Why put the children through something for a month if there is no real longterm gain from it?


The biggest change I need to make is within myself, not with the children.  I need to control my yelling and take responsibility for my actions (or lack thereof).

I mean, who’s truly at fault when the kids are making these huge messes anyway?  Who needs to assume responsibility?  Yes, some falls on the children who know better and shouldn’t have done it in the first place.  But some responsibility for the messes also falls on on my shoulders.  I am the mother after all.  It is feasible that if I had been doing a better job at being a mother, that maybe these messes wouldn’t have happened in the first place or, at the bare minimum, wouldn’t have grown so sizable.  That’s one reason I stepped up to the plate to help the kids clean the other day.  If I had been checking on them instead of letting them come to me it may have never happened.  But I was being lazy.  And you know what they say, “Idle hands are the devil’s work”.  So, I need to be more active and less lethargic.

And I’m scared to do that.  I’ve always been a hands-off kinda mom; just chillaxin’ while the kids did their thing.  But I guess the children are growing up and require more supervision and entertainment.  Plus, I’ve had sleeping issues recently.  I won’t go to sleep at a reasonable time and so I’ll be tired the next day.  So, I’m already working on physical and mental tiredness and then throw in three hyper kids to deal with by myself, and schoolwork, and it’s just a recipe for burnout.  And with my Bi-Polar I Disorder, that burnout could mean a nervous breakdown.  I’m just worried, that’s all.

Then, on top of all of that I need to control my anger and yelling.  And really?  There’s only one way to do that: willpower.  I just gotta do it, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  I already asked my therapist.  Now meditating on the regular will help me to stay calm routinely and thus help squash the yelling before it happens.  However, in the end it’s all on me.  It’s either you do or you don’t.

And besides, you really should “Be the change you wish to see.”  So that’s more or less where I’m coming from…be the change.  Moreover, I am the damn mother here!  Maybe I should start being the role model they clearly need me to be.  It starts with you.

Be the change.  Be the role model.

Be the change.  Be the role model.

Be the change.  Be the role model.


And that is what I shall leave you with this time around.


‘Til next time…Peace.

And here we go yet again…pt 1

…it happened.  Yet again, it happened.

Just yesterday on July 20th my children wrecked the kitchen so bad that it took around 4 hours to clean up, with my help I might add, and that doesn’t include the floor or fridge.  Of which I did the floor partially that night and then finishing the next morning.  And the fridge was finished by the kids and I in the early afternoon the next day.

You must think I’m one neglectful mother for my children to be making such huge messes all the time.  But really I’m not, I swear.  My children are just devious.

This time around my girls climbed into bed with me after breakfast and Aurora (my oldest child) called out saying it was Lazy Day.  Now, I don’t know about you and your family but I take Lazy Days seriously.  I even have a “Nama’stay in Bed” t-shirt.  And all the major chores were caught up on.  I mean we had just deep cleaned the kitchen, done the floors sans vacuuming (the belt broke and we we’re waiting on a new one from Bissell), all the laundry was done albeit not put away (I still call this a win.) so I was like, yeah sure, why not?  Let’s have a Lazy Day for once.  Everyone deserves a little vacation, right?

I was lazing about resting in bed as the girls came and went.  I saw my son coming and going as he pleased in the hallway.  So I didn’t think they were up to anything really.  Boy was I wrong.

Apparently it started with Tobias (my only son and middle child) making eggs after he had cereal for breakfast.  Not so bad.  Only one dish to clean up.  It was an hour to hour and a half later that the real damage started happening.  I don’t know which of them did it so I’m gonna just say my/the children.

The children decided to start cooking and shall we say, experimenting?  They decided that peanut butter was a good base for their experiments.  So they went about concocting peanut butter and vanilla frosting…like three tubs of it.  Oh yes.  And they whipped up a nice entrée of diced carrots in peanut butter.  They used at least four dozen (!!!) eggs during this creative process.  Ah, but don’t be fooled by this creativity, my oldest did have a conventionality moment in which she tried her best at a boxed brownie and orange jello.

And remember, they were all fooling me by coming and going throughout this whole process.  So I erroneously presupposed that everything was going swimmingly.

By the time I found the results of their inventive skills, due to my youngest daughter Gaia telling me about “the seeds”, my kitchen was long gone.  These “seeds” really were seeds, millions of them.  And I do not distort this number.  My children, I guess in their denouement, expressed themselves by ripping open a bag of flax seeds from my pantry and frolicked every which way while sprinkling these Lilliputian things far and wide.

I found my kitchen, including the inside of my fridge somehow, covered in what looked like millions of unfed deer ticks.  And that didn’t appertain to the rest of the mess such as cooked eggs that smelt of garlic, peanut butter everywhere, just a bowl of raw whipped eggs just sitting on the floor for god only knows why or all of the dishes used.  It took three (!!!) loads running the dishwasher and then doing some by hand to get everything done.

This job was so extensive that after about two hours my kids were starting to give up and lose focus.  Two hours of cleaning is a lot for children.  It’s a lot of cleaning for me!  So I gave them a small break.  Then, I got in there with them.  There was simply no way this job was going to get finished without my help in some way.  At the bare minimum I would have needed to do the floors anyway.  So I jumped into the fray helping the kids out by doing some dishes to re-encourage them.  I was a little worried about them not learning their lesson or thinking that Momma is always gonna be there to help you out.  But then I figured, they already know they did something wrong.  And I’m sure they’ve learned their lesson about taking responsibility after two hours of cleaning on their own.  And as far as me always being their for them, I might not always be, but right now I am so let them use the resource.

Anyway, another two hours later and we finally got to a stopping place.  We had another load of dishes ready to load up and go and I would start on the floors that night.  So, as a motivation or encouragement benefit I told them I would take them to either McDonald’s or Burger King playplace so go to BK we did.  We even got ice cream cones.  They played for a good hour and a half.

And then we went to the grocery store.  That was a royal fucking nightmare.  Monday, July 23rd is Aurora’s 9th birthday.  So she gets birthday balloons.  And we do this every. single. fucking. time.  The younger two children demand balloons but it’s not their birthday so they don’t get any.  And then the tears and hysterics ensue and the classic “I HATE YOU!”  Only mine go on with “I’M LEAVING AND NEVER COMING BACK!!!” says the 6 year old Gaia.  I just stood there and asked her how she was going to survive.  Who was going to feed her, if she was going to rely on the kindness of strangers who really aren’t so kind, etc.  I ended with, “You’re six.  Now get in the minivan.”  It worked.  I mean, she huffed and puffed and said she hated me but in the end she did in fact get in the minivan.  Then home we went where I took care of the groceries while the kids got ready for bed.

I started on the kitchen floor by sweeping up all of those god awful flax seeds and then switched out laundry and called it a night.


My Own Mom

Who else does one turn to in times of need but your own Mom?

My children have been horrible messy, abusive, little monsters recently.  And I have been losing my mind.  Just…all my sanity…gone.  Whoosh!  There it goes.

My children cleaned the house yesterday because they left the kitchen gate (which is there to keep the dogs out) wide open which let the dogs in and they got into the trash strewing it everywhere around the house.  Well, fast forward to after cleaning up and the next day…aaaaaaaaaand the children yet once again make a mess by getting into the pantry where they somehow found food colourings and jello.  Oh, and they repeatedly left the kitchen gate open so the dogs got into the trash bis strewing it everywhere around the house.

Only this time I didn’t really get pissed.  I mean, I got kinda mad, sure.  But not like pissed off like I regularly do.  Maybe because I was at the end of my rope and getting any angrier would have had me literally fly off?  So I was holding on to the last of my sanity for dear sweet life?  I have no idea.

Either way, I turned to the only place I could.  My Mom.

Hell fuck fire, I already asked her for a grand.  I didn’t think asking her for parenting advice could be any worse.  And I was right; it wasn’t.  So her and my Gramma along with her…boyfriend? partner? I don’t know what?…helped me out with a couple issues through FaceTime.

We didn’t really get anywhere on the biting issue.  This has been running rampant in my house.  Especially with my middle child biting my youngest.  But sometimes my oldest will bite by youngest too.  Notice how it’s always my youngest getting bitten but never doing the biting?

She did give me a few parenting ideas though.  Basically, I’m just yelling for no reason; yelling does nothing to my children, it doesn’t even faze them but it does make me angrier because they already aren’t listening to me.  So, I need to keep my cool.  Just be calm and collected.  Not for them, but for my sanity.

Then my Mom said that I need to try a *new* discipline technique.  She advised me to use a sticker chart…but I abhor those…for special McDonald’s/Burger King playplace trips.  I’m using tally marks on their allowance board.  Each one of them must get at minimum 25 tally marks to go.  And here’s the kicker, they all need those 25 or else no one goes.  So they’re forced to work together.

Also, their allowance?  Yeah, we’re not doing it the old way where they start with $5 and get deductions from there.  Now they have to earn their money in 25 cent increments.  And it will only be doled out when it’s reached a minimum of $5.

So yeah, the kids and I had a nice, long, very sincere sit-down today about everything.  They were good little child for a while…until after supper when it was time to clean up.  Then my son got a little misogynistic attitude about him saying since I always clean up then I should be the one doing the cleaning.  I made him do the rest after that.

We’ll just have to see what tomorrow holds.

How Hard Is It?

Seriously now.  How hard is it to do a few chores?!

My children are being little slobby assholes.  Like, not monsters or terrors or any other typical words people use to describe their children.  No.  They’re just being slobby. little. assholes.  Mine have a work ethic problem; as in, they just don’t put in the minimum amount of work required to live here. Simple things that we’ve always done like: cleaning up your room or clearing away dishes when finished eating or putting away your shoes in the shoe rack.  And this doesn’t even touch upon doing all of your chores in a timely manner.

They’ve all had chores since they were old enough to do them.  They started with simple things like put away coats and shoes and backpacks when they were 2-3.  Then we added on as they got older.  Once they reached 6 they were full-blown on chores; laundry, dishes, dusting, cleaning their bathroom (even though they use mine more) and the kitchen, sweeping.  And now that my oldest is damnnear 9, I’m trying to get her to mop with my Crosswave but she’s resisting by just not doing it.

But recently, all three of my children have just been slacking.  They just haven’t been doing their work.  Plain and simple.  I tell them to do something and all they do is play or fight amongst themselves instead.  Unless, of course, I’m breathing down the back of their neck the whole time.  Staring them down as a probational officer would a convict fresh out of jail.  And I don’t have really have the time for that.  If I did, I’d just do the damn job myself!  But that doesn’t teach them anything, now does it?!

Why cannot my children just do what they are told?!  I’ve tried bribing them, taking away electronics, allowance, talking to them, and now we are on a daily schedule.  But even that’s not working.  However, it is only Day 1.  So we’ll see how it goes.

Motherhood is a bitch and not for the weakhearted.  That’s for sure.

Small Things

Things are finally in motion for the better.

I’m in school, we’re slowly getting the ball rolling on finances, and the CPS stuff is done.  But, we have had some small hiccups in this process.  What’s life without some road bumps, eh?

First, I had to purchase my first textbook out of pocket because a financial aid package hasn’t been awarded yet.  I just did my FAFSA yesterday so it’ll take a few days to a week for them to put something together.

Then, Evan had to quickly switch dorms over in Korea.  This was an upgrade, yes, but upgrade also means money.  He had to buy new sheets because he now has a full size bed instead of a twin.  Plus he now has a kitchenette so he needed a little cookware and food.

So, in order to fund both of these, I cancelled our second minivan payment.  So now, in August, instead of paying bills, we’ll have to pay the minivan off.  So we’ll be even further behind on our credit card payments.

Also, I’ve been having sleeping difficulties.  I’d stay awake till 2am or so, wake up around 7am to take the dogs and check on the children (in a daze, I might add), then go back to sleep all day or at least the majority of it.  So my day would look like this:

“Bedtime” – 11pm, Sleep 2-3am, Wake-up 7am, Back to Bed around 8:30am, Wake-up for good between 12 Noon-4pm, Go about life, Repeat process.

It was a vicious cycle.  One I hoped was finally broken last week.  I was staying up all day and having regular bedtimes.  But then this week on Monday and Tuesday, I went back to my old ways.  I stayed up late, albeit not 2am, and then slept during the day until noon.  Then today (Fourth of July) I slept for about an hour to hour and a half today after staying up til midnight the night before.  But I did rest for quite a while before that.  Now I’m drinking some Bawls to keep me awake since my coffee got cold.

I really do hope that this sleeping problem sorts itself out.  I can’t tolerate this sleeping during the day stuff anymore.  And my doc won’t give me any new meds until I’ve got it sorted out.  So, I’m literally on my own.

Before, it was the little things that would get to me.  All these little things added up, ya know?  But I’m trying to take it all in stride.

Just “Let it go, let it go…”  (I mischievously accidentally lost that movie)